100 People Who are Screwing Up America (and Al Franken is #37)
Bernard Goldberg has a chip on his shoulder. That chip is colored red. If I try to press this analogy much further, he might put me as the #103 person who is screwing up America. If I tossed in the words fuck, ass, bitch, or similar off-color phrases, he might consider moving me up to #93.
Jon Stewart critiqued Goldberg's criteria very well on The Daily Show about a month ago--in easily Stewart's most aggressive interview that I have witnessed on the show. (And Bernie even complemented Stewart in the book.) The critique was that Goldberg chose to attack the high-profile media celebrities and pop culture icons of the moment rather than actually review people with real, meaningful governing power. I agree . . . and I also find it hypocritical that Goldberg laments the lost civility of bygone decades, in which public people would never use purple language in a position of public discourse . . . and then he peppers his book with the same salty language.
There are categories of America Screwer-Uppers, which are:
100. Rick and Kathy Hilton--parents of Paris. Yeah . . . they are that bad, or maybe Bernie's editors told him he needed to be a bit more topical (you know, for the kids).
99. Matthew Lesko--that crazy infomercial guy that tells you how to get free money from the government.
98. Sheila Jackson Lee--I can't describe everyone. For some, Google them or read the book your own self.
97. Todd Goldman
96. Eve Ensler
95. Courtney Love--what is Goldberg's explanation for her inclusion on the list? A single, solitary word: "ho." Very insightful, no?
94. Guy Velella
93. Richard Timmons
92. Kerri Dunn
91. Barbra Streisand
90. Michael Jackson--you want more of Goldbergs insight? His entry on Jacko: "If I have to explain it to you, you shouldn't be reading this book." Now I call that lazy.
89. Jane Smiley
88. Aaron McGruder
87. Sheldon Hackney
86. Chris Ofili
85. The Dumb Celebrity
84. The Vicious Celebrity
83. The Dumb AND Vicious Celebrity--all three of these entries feature quotes by celebrities commenting on politics, the 2000 election, etc. Curiously, Janeane Garofalo is found in all three categories.
82. Laurie David--wife of Larry David
81. Tim Robbins
80. Kitty Kelley
79. Harry Belafonte
78. Norman Mailer
77. Linda Hirshman
76. Barbara Foley
75. Eric Foner
74. Katha Pollitt
73. Barbara Kingsolver
72. Ward Churchill--no relation, in case you wondered.
71. Phil Donahue
70. Jimmy Swaggart
69. Matt Kunitz--Fear Factor's executive producer
68. Katherine Hanson
67. Randall Robinson
66. David Duke
65. Oliver Stone--but he just released the Director's Cut of Alexander and . . . never mind.
64. James Wolcott
63. Amy Richards
62. Howard Stern
61. Michael Savage
60. Ludacris--Man, don't you think it burns Streisand that Ludacris is so much more dangerous than she is?
59. Shirley Franklin
58. Eminem--Whoa! Slim Shady is this low?! There must be some seriously dangerous people listed ahead of him!
57. Ted Field
56. Diane Sawyer
55. David Westin--president of ABCNews . . . where Trust is Earned.
54. Neal Shapiro
53. Anna Nicole Smith
52. Markos Moulitsas--of dailykos.com.
51. Ann Pelo
50. John Vasconcellos--halfway there people! Get the bile ready! Is your gorge rising yet?
49. Ingred Newkirk
48. Robert Byrd--that's Senator Robert Byrd to you, fella.
47. Maxine Waters
46. Barbara Walters--What is one lesson to be gleaned from this list? Do NOT name your daughter Barbara! They all go bad in the end.
45. Ken Lay--too easy . . .
44. Dennis Kozlowski
43. Paul Eibeler
42. Gloria Steinem
41. Susan Beresford
40. Scott Harshbarger
39. Peter Singer--I absolutely agree . . . I HATE sewing machines! What? He's a Princeton bioethicist? Aww crap, who cares?!
38. Jim McDermott
37. Al Franken
36. Nancy Hopkins
35. Jeff Danzinger
34. Bill Moyers
33. Bob Shrum
32. Jerry Springer
31. Maury Povich
30. Latrell Sprewell
29. John Green
28. Julian Bond
27. Paul Begala
26. Dr. Martin Haskell
25. James Kopp
24. Lee Bollinger
23. The Unknown American Terrorist--Huh? That Gong Show comic? Is Cheney calling him a terrorist now?
22. Michael Newdow
21. Judge Roy Moore
20. Howard Dean
19. George Soros
18. Al Gore
17. Al Sharpton
16. John Edwards
15. Ted Rall
14. Mary Mapes
13. Andrew Heyward
12. Dan Rather--What's the Frequency, Bernie?
11. Noam Chomsky
Jon Stewart critiqued Goldberg's criteria very well on The Daily Show about a month ago--in easily Stewart's most aggressive interview that I have witnessed on the show. (And Bernie even complemented Stewart in the book.) The critique was that Goldberg chose to attack the high-profile media celebrities and pop culture icons of the moment rather than actually review people with real, meaningful governing power. I agree . . . and I also find it hypocritical that Goldberg laments the lost civility of bygone decades, in which public people would never use purple language in a position of public discourse . . . and then he peppers his book with the same salty language.
There are categories of America Screwer-Uppers, which are:
- America Bashers--America is a terrible place and an embarrassment to the rest of the world.
- Hollywood Blowhards--if you can't think of any, give Bernie some time and he'll give you some examples.
- TV Schlockmeisters--Where, oh where has I Love Lucy gone?
- TV Schlockmeisters (News Division)--Where, oh where has Fred Friendly and Edward R. Murrow gone?
- I'm Your Pimp, You My Bitch (and other great American Love Songs)--Why can't Johnny sing?
- American Jackals--Litigious legions
- I'm Offended, Therefore I Am--Those pushing identity politics upon the helpless nation.
- Racial Enforcers--Those that won't let Bill Cosby speak the truth.
- White-Collar Thugs--the Ken Lays and Dennis Kozlowski's
- Sex Warriors--Don't get excited, okay? It's not the fun kind of sex warriors but those misguided feminazis that he is referring to here.
- Reading, Writing, and Radicals--Misguided intellectuals that foster political correctness on our college campuses.
100. Rick and Kathy Hilton--parents of Paris. Yeah . . . they are that bad, or maybe Bernie's editors told him he needed to be a bit more topical (you know, for the kids).
99. Matthew Lesko--that crazy infomercial guy that tells you how to get free money from the government.
98. Sheila Jackson Lee--I can't describe everyone. For some, Google them or read the book your own self.
97. Todd Goldman
96. Eve Ensler
95. Courtney Love--what is Goldberg's explanation for her inclusion on the list? A single, solitary word: "ho." Very insightful, no?
94. Guy Velella
93. Richard Timmons
92. Kerri Dunn
91. Barbra Streisand
90. Michael Jackson--you want more of Goldbergs insight? His entry on Jacko: "If I have to explain it to you, you shouldn't be reading this book." Now I call that lazy.
89. Jane Smiley
88. Aaron McGruder
87. Sheldon Hackney
86. Chris Ofili
85. The Dumb Celebrity
84. The Vicious Celebrity
83. The Dumb AND Vicious Celebrity--all three of these entries feature quotes by celebrities commenting on politics, the 2000 election, etc. Curiously, Janeane Garofalo is found in all three categories.
82. Laurie David--wife of Larry David
81. Tim Robbins
80. Kitty Kelley
79. Harry Belafonte
78. Norman Mailer
77. Linda Hirshman
76. Barbara Foley
75. Eric Foner
74. Katha Pollitt
73. Barbara Kingsolver
72. Ward Churchill--no relation, in case you wondered.
71. Phil Donahue
70. Jimmy Swaggart
69. Matt Kunitz--Fear Factor's executive producer
68. Katherine Hanson
67. Randall Robinson
66. David Duke
65. Oliver Stone--but he just released the Director's Cut of Alexander and . . . never mind.
64. James Wolcott
63. Amy Richards
62. Howard Stern
61. Michael Savage
60. Ludacris--Man, don't you think it burns Streisand that Ludacris is so much more dangerous than she is?
59. Shirley Franklin
58. Eminem--Whoa! Slim Shady is this low?! There must be some seriously dangerous people listed ahead of him!
57. Ted Field
56. Diane Sawyer
55. David Westin--president of ABCNews . . . where Trust is Earned.
54. Neal Shapiro
53. Anna Nicole Smith
52. Markos Moulitsas--of dailykos.com.
51. Ann Pelo
50. John Vasconcellos--halfway there people! Get the bile ready! Is your gorge rising yet?
49. Ingred Newkirk
48. Robert Byrd--that's Senator Robert Byrd to you, fella.
47. Maxine Waters
46. Barbara Walters--What is one lesson to be gleaned from this list? Do NOT name your daughter Barbara! They all go bad in the end.
45. Ken Lay--too easy . . .
44. Dennis Kozlowski
43. Paul Eibeler
42. Gloria Steinem
41. Susan Beresford
40. Scott Harshbarger
39. Peter Singer--I absolutely agree . . . I HATE sewing machines! What? He's a Princeton bioethicist? Aww crap, who cares?!
38. Jim McDermott
37. Al Franken
36. Nancy Hopkins
35. Jeff Danzinger
34. Bill Moyers
33. Bob Shrum
32. Jerry Springer
31. Maury Povich
30. Latrell Sprewell
29. John Green
28. Julian Bond
27. Paul Begala
26. Dr. Martin Haskell
25. James Kopp
24. Lee Bollinger
23. The Unknown American Terrorist--Huh? That Gong Show comic? Is Cheney calling him a terrorist now?
22. Michael Newdow
21. Judge Roy Moore
20. Howard Dean
19. George Soros
18. Al Gore
17. Al Sharpton
16. John Edwards
15. Ted Rall
14. Mary Mapes
13. Andrew Heyward
12. Dan Rather--What's the Frequency, Bernie?
11. Noam Chomsky
And now, the ten WORST baby-killin', seal-clubbing, perverse, misguided maniacs that you would NEVER bring home to mother:
10. Ralph Neas--who?
9. Jonathon Kozol--Boy! I hate that . . . um, who are you again?
8. Paul Krugman
7. Margaret Marshall--Yeah! I HATED that racist Gone With the Wind crap, and . . . dammit Bernie! WHO ARE THESE DANGEROUS PEOPLE!! Oh, she's the Massachusett's Supreme Court chief justice that legalized gay marriage. Burn her!!!!!!!
6. Jimmy Carter--yeah! He's a BASTARD!
5. Anthony Romero--You make a few zombie movies and suddenly you're the fifth most dangerous person in the country.
4. Jesse Jackson
3. Ted Kennedy
2. Arthur Sulzberger--publisher of the New York Times.
1. SATAN . . . or as you might know him . . . Michael Moore.
So, there you have it America. Go rid the world of these dangerous people! I'll let Bernard give the final word, which I am copying verbatim from pages 303 and 304 of his book:
"For too many years now, the cultural elites have been working overtime trying to portray all those hicks in flyover country as grotesquely distorted fun-house mirror images of who they really are, without the fun part.
If Middle Americans oppose gay marriage, they must be homophobes. If they don't like the sex jokes at eight o'clock at night on network TV, they're squares. If ordinary Americans think gangsta rap is foul and degrading, they're racists who don't understand black culture. If Red State America thinks our "best" universities are dominated by left-wing ideologues, they're anti-intellectual dolts. If they think feminists have gone too far, they're sexists.
But none of this tells us very much about real ordinary Americans. What it tells us a lot about, though are the cultural elites themselves, these cloistered liberals who, as Tom Wolfe once put it, "do not have a clue about the rest of the United States" and "who are forever trying to force their twisted sense of morality onto us, which is a non-morality. That is constantly done, and there is real resentment."
Yes, there is real resentment, indeed. Middle Americans resent the smug condescension the elites routinely dish out from their cocoons in Manhattan and Hollywood. They resent the authors and journalists who call them "ignorant" because they don't see things the way the elites do. They resent the elites snickering at them because they like to bowl and eat at Red Lobster. They resent the notion that because they go to church every week and take the Bible seriously that there's something creepy about them, and that because they fly the American flag on the Fourth of July they're simple-minded hayseeds.
And it's precisely because of this snobby, elitist attitude that even when I agree with liberals on this issue or that, I don't like being associated with them. I'm with Tom Wolfe, who said, "There is something in me that particularly wants it registered that I am not one of them."
So, what is it that so many ordinary Americans want? It's actually pretty simple. We want a little more appreciation for the values that most of us--liberals as well as conservatives, Democrats as well as Republicans--used to take for granted: civility, mutual respect, a semblance of decency, and yes . . . a little old-fashioned love of country, too.
Is that asking too much?"
9. Jonathon Kozol--Boy! I hate that . . . um, who are you again?
8. Paul Krugman
7. Margaret Marshall--Yeah! I HATED that racist Gone With the Wind crap, and . . . dammit Bernie! WHO ARE THESE DANGEROUS PEOPLE!! Oh, she's the Massachusett's Supreme Court chief justice that legalized gay marriage. Burn her!!!!!!!
6. Jimmy Carter--yeah! He's a BASTARD!
5. Anthony Romero--You make a few zombie movies and suddenly you're the fifth most dangerous person in the country.
4. Jesse Jackson
3. Ted Kennedy
2. Arthur Sulzberger--publisher of the New York Times.
1. SATAN . . . or as you might know him . . . Michael Moore.
So, there you have it America. Go rid the world of these dangerous people! I'll let Bernard give the final word, which I am copying verbatim from pages 303 and 304 of his book:
"For too many years now, the cultural elites have been working overtime trying to portray all those hicks in flyover country as grotesquely distorted fun-house mirror images of who they really are, without the fun part.
If Middle Americans oppose gay marriage, they must be homophobes. If they don't like the sex jokes at eight o'clock at night on network TV, they're squares. If ordinary Americans think gangsta rap is foul and degrading, they're racists who don't understand black culture. If Red State America thinks our "best" universities are dominated by left-wing ideologues, they're anti-intellectual dolts. If they think feminists have gone too far, they're sexists.
But none of this tells us very much about real ordinary Americans. What it tells us a lot about, though are the cultural elites themselves, these cloistered liberals who, as Tom Wolfe once put it, "do not have a clue about the rest of the United States" and "who are forever trying to force their twisted sense of morality onto us, which is a non-morality. That is constantly done, and there is real resentment."
Yes, there is real resentment, indeed. Middle Americans resent the smug condescension the elites routinely dish out from their cocoons in Manhattan and Hollywood. They resent the authors and journalists who call them "ignorant" because they don't see things the way the elites do. They resent the elites snickering at them because they like to bowl and eat at Red Lobster. They resent the notion that because they go to church every week and take the Bible seriously that there's something creepy about them, and that because they fly the American flag on the Fourth of July they're simple-minded hayseeds.
And it's precisely because of this snobby, elitist attitude that even when I agree with liberals on this issue or that, I don't like being associated with them. I'm with Tom Wolfe, who said, "There is something in me that particularly wants it registered that I am not one of them."
So, what is it that so many ordinary Americans want? It's actually pretty simple. We want a little more appreciation for the values that most of us--liberals as well as conservatives, Democrats as well as Republicans--used to take for granted: civility, mutual respect, a semblance of decency, and yes . . . a little old-fashioned love of country, too.
Is that asking too much?"
posted by David at 11:50 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Your review deserves a more thoughtful response, but for now, thanks for saving me the trouble of reading the red state rant du jour. Granted, if I were Bernard G., I too would make money by passing off a list of my pet peeves under the pretense of penetrating social criticism. I can hear his agent now: "It's a poor man's William Bennett, it'll play in Peoria, and it's hot."
Dear Random House:
This is your lucky day! You have first dibs on my sure-fire best-seller, "100 People Who Piss Me Off and Why They Suck." As you know, in today's volatile publishing environment, the only thing that's sure to draw ordinary people away from moronic TV shows is an equally moronic book that flatters their sense of moral superiority without requiring real thought. I've got the book; you've got the promotional and distribution system. Sweet deal!
PS. If you don't publish it, your competitors will.
What exactly is the "fun" kind of sex warrior, anyway?
And I don't care what this jackass says, if you eat at Red Craphole Friggin' Lobster, you ARE a hick! Period!
Hey!
Red Lobster was the seafood restaurant of choice when I was a kid . . . but there weren't many other choices. And we had to go to Albany (45 minutes away) to eat there. My hometown didn't even get a Red Lobster until about six years ago--because we lived in a dry county.
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Jack:
I am afraid that I have been hit by blogging spam!
It is an evil and worrisome thing, because I wasn't even notified of its existence until you posted your comment about it.
I must inform Blogger about this immediately.
As a near-lifelong Midwesterner who, for some reason, loves the Midwest even though it's made up ENTIRELY of fat-ass, casserole-eatin' weekly churchgoers who love flags and hate fags (and Jews), I must say that I'm kind of afraid . . . will I be dragged off to a coast soon? Do I not live/belong here? Well, I'd better try to get into the Midwestern spirit:
I, for one, am SO GLAD that Bernie implicated Barbara Kingsolver--that horrid, Heifer Project Intl. supportin' BITCH! She's right up there with Jimmy "Dickhead who builds houses for the poor" Carter.
And as for all of you Coastal and Southern people who obviously don't know jack-shit about being a real American, why don't you just go on over to SaddAm's (emphasis added) spider hole and kiss his--and Osama's--ass. We all know you want to.
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