Fast Food paraphenaglia
You know, I doubt that anyone cares about this, but I have a bad habit of reading advertisements, cereal boxes, whatever . . . so, when we ate our fish sandwich dinners last night after spending too much time at work and picking our kids up later than we should have . . . well, I read the many "hip" paragraphs on the wrappers, whatever of the Burger King meal.
So, sue me.
Have it your way . . . part i: The bag
In case of over-excitement.
Getting hot fresh food is exciting. But for some it can be too much to handle, leading to heavy breathing, lightheadedness and in a few cases, fainting. If you feel you're getting much too excited here's what to do: quickly remove the contents of this bag. Hold it up to your mouth. And slowly breathe in and out. Once you've calmed down, put down the bag, finish your meal and try concentrating on other things like slow-flowing streams or sleeping kittens.
Have it your way . . . part ii: The fries
Right to fries,
You have the right to dip these fries in ketchup or mustard or a vanilla shake if that turns you on. You have the right to stuff them in your sandwich or stack them like the boyhood home of Abraham Lincoln. You have the right to have these fries your way, even if that means eating them like a normal human being.
Have it your way . . . part iii: The wrapper (in which several items are discussed)
(iiia) BK Big Fish
While it's true the BK BIG FISH is one of the biggest fish sandwiches around, nothing says you can't exaggerate it an inch or two when you talk about it to your friends. It'll be our little secret. [Don't worry BK. Guys know all about exaggerating a few inches amongst friends.]
(iiib) ORIGINAL Chicken Sandwich
You know what they say. Originals order originals. And you're proof. They broke the mold when they made you, didn't they? Oh yeah.
(iiic) ENORMOUS Omelet Sandwich
Call the office and tell 'em you might be late. Seems there's a big 'ol breakfast sandwich staring you in the face and you've got business of your own to tend to. You'll get there when you get there. With a very contented smile on your face.
(iiid) The manifesto
They say you are what you eat. They're wrong. You are no chicken. you know how you want it and you're bold enough to make sure you get it your way. That's why you're here, isn't it?
HAVE IT YOUR WAY. You have the right to have it your way. The right to a sandwich just how you want it. The right to start your own sandwich etiquette school. The right to have your own one-man sandwich eating contest. The right to raise this wrapper above your head as a sign that you are a king.
Have it your way . . . part iv: The cup
Maybe you want a lot of ice. Maybe you want no ice. Maybe you want your top securely fastened, or maybe you want to go topless. Hmmm? Maybe you want to mix COKE and SPRITE? Maybe you want to let your cup runneth over (we wish you wouldn't). Whatever you do, make sure to have things your way.
So, sue me.
Have it your way . . . part i: The bag
In case of over-excitement.
Getting hot fresh food is exciting. But for some it can be too much to handle, leading to heavy breathing, lightheadedness and in a few cases, fainting. If you feel you're getting much too excited here's what to do: quickly remove the contents of this bag. Hold it up to your mouth. And slowly breathe in and out. Once you've calmed down, put down the bag, finish your meal and try concentrating on other things like slow-flowing streams or sleeping kittens.
Have it your way . . . part ii: The fries
Right to fries,
You have the right to dip these fries in ketchup or mustard or a vanilla shake if that turns you on. You have the right to stuff them in your sandwich or stack them like the boyhood home of Abraham Lincoln. You have the right to have these fries your way, even if that means eating them like a normal human being.
Have it your way . . . part iii: The wrapper (in which several items are discussed)
(iiia) BK Big Fish
While it's true the BK BIG FISH is one of the biggest fish sandwiches around, nothing says you can't exaggerate it an inch or two when you talk about it to your friends. It'll be our little secret. [Don't worry BK. Guys know all about exaggerating a few inches amongst friends.]
(iiib) ORIGINAL Chicken Sandwich
You know what they say. Originals order originals. And you're proof. They broke the mold when they made you, didn't they? Oh yeah.
(iiic) ENORMOUS Omelet Sandwich
Call the office and tell 'em you might be late. Seems there's a big 'ol breakfast sandwich staring you in the face and you've got business of your own to tend to. You'll get there when you get there. With a very contented smile on your face.
(iiid) The manifesto
They say you are what you eat. They're wrong. You are no chicken. you know how you want it and you're bold enough to make sure you get it your way. That's why you're here, isn't it?
HAVE IT YOUR WAY. You have the right to have it your way. The right to a sandwich just how you want it. The right to start your own sandwich etiquette school. The right to have your own one-man sandwich eating contest. The right to raise this wrapper above your head as a sign that you are a king.
Have it your way . . . part iv: The cup
Maybe you want a lot of ice. Maybe you want no ice. Maybe you want your top securely fastened, or maybe you want to go topless. Hmmm? Maybe you want to mix COKE and SPRITE? Maybe you want to let your cup runneth over (we wish you wouldn't). Whatever you do, make sure to have things your way.
posted by David at 11:40 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Oh. My. Gosh. Bush's "Ownership Society" has already permeated our culture. "Get your own bag, sucka."
I quite enjoyed your post Burb. It is a little disturbing to think that anything would be printed on those wrappers... let alone something that seems to have been researched, planned out, and purposeful. What happened to the good old days when our bags just said: "Warning: choking hazard. Keep away from children."?
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